Learning To Believe the Best

I vividly remember my best friend telling me these words shortly after I was married; “Tiffany, sometimes you have to fake it ’til you make it”. I was whining to her after a few months of my own wedded bliss. She had one WHOLE YEAR up on me in this marriage thing.  I was frustrated with my love (unmet expectations, what?) and asking her for help. She told me to be an encouragement to my spouse even on the days when I literally had nothing nice to say. Those days come to other people too, right?

Yes, she told me to fake it till you make it. She told me that sometimes, as wives we can be overly-critical of our spouses. We see in one another all of our deepest faults. As we live life together, we are perpetually exposed to all those weaknesses within one another and frankly, we’re all annoying at some point or another in life.  Yes, even me. Yes, even you. She told me the way out is to speak words of kindness. She told me the way out is to find even the tiniest speck of goodness and blow it up big with celebration.

Now, to my newly-wed self, I couldn’t help but think “BUT I WILL BE LYING!”.  “Come on Tiffany, you married the guy for sound reasons. You aren’t lying, you’re pre-gaming.” She’s smart that one…

This past summer my husbando and I celebrated 13 years of marriage. We even gave it a hash tag, #lucky13; we’re silly-strange like that.

The heart of this advice is still ringing true in our marriage. There are even more times now that we have to do the hard work of re-positioning our thoughts; because it is so true that our own perspective can make all the difference in the world.

Later on in marriage, perhaps around year 7 or so, we read a book called “Love and Respect”. The author, Eggerichs, called it believing the best in your spouse. That sounds a lot more lovely than fake it till you make it. He explains that whenever we start spiraling down in our mind into anger or resentment, bitterness or frustration, that the way back out again is to believe the best in our spouse. Focus on the goodness and the love that you share between the two of you and make the active choice to believe that your spouse is not intentionally harming you, annoying you, or frustrating you. This mutual kindness goes a long way towards squashing the gunk that can build up in our hearts.

I’ve found that this truth applies to a lot of other relationships too, not just in marriage. In our culture we hear a cry for authenticity in all that we do and often that translates into this brutal sort of honesty that does nothing more than tear down and destroy what has been built so painstakingly. I believe that love is a choice. We are capable of moving our hearts and heads into alignment more than we realize. Believing the best in another person and emphasizing the smallest glimpse of good we see in them has a lot of power. We can change an entire day for someone else by choosing to love even the hard-to-love people.

So try it out this week in that relationship you are wrestling through. Believe the good. Keep good boundaries and be clear for your part of the communication and relationship and search out for what is good.

 

 

This Week’s Raging Sea of Politics

Over the last few days, my emotions have raged over the discussions of Same Sex Marriage in the hearing before the Supreme Court. This may already be old hat to some, but my heart has deeply wrestled with how to speak, if I should speak, why I should speak and what I would say. At first, if I could publish a guttural scream, that would have been the title of this post. I’m an emotional person. Everything in me feels very deeply, and sometimes… it takes a while to get a little balance back in the mix.

I’m still searching for that balance regarding this issue. I’m praying and thinking and asking myself a lot of questions and…I’m writing it out.

I wrote my Pastor on Tuesday asking how we as Christians should respond to this issue (on Facebook) because I was so frustrated and passionate. But I was very aware of the heat and intensity of this discussion. (And honestly, I was afraid of the backlash I knew I would receive!) I was struggling because I hate it when good sits in silent shame while evil is at work. To be clear, I felt as if my Christian friends were being shamed into silence.  I was angry! Shouldn’t we stand up for good? Or does the fear that was pressing on my own heart just get to overrule?

His advice to me was to log off Facebook. He reminded me that this is the “fad of the week” and that it too shall pass. (Remember Chick-Fil-A?) Good advice. And it was. I needed to cool off a bit and think through this. I needed to ask myself why I was so mad.

I did log off by the way. I logged off my phone, my Kindle and my home pc. (Thank you Pinterest for satisfying my ADD in the mean time.)

The issue that I was struggling with wasn’t really all the hype over the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. Frankly, I’m not mad, surprised or even roused by the fact that this case is before the Supreme Court. I view this as an issue of the world-one which I view as fallen, full of sin and in need of Jesus. What makes me passionately full of anger and surprised is watching my Christian friends support it and change their Facebook profile picture to the logo in support for this issue! I am shocked by the people I am seeing do this.

Here is where my beef lies;

Since when did Christians decide that it was right to support gay rights?  As this excellent article asks “When did it become acceptable for Christians to embrace and endorse homosexual behavior?”

Since when did we as Christians decide that it was necessary for us to ignore what God has clearly written in His word so as to be considered “progressive”, “relevant” or “palatable” to an unbelieving world? Do we really and truly think that if we just leave out the truth of God’s Word, even one part, that this will draw people to God? 

Why would anyone be drawn to a God who can’t make up His mind? A God who is not just? A God who is not holy?

Is nothing pure? Does nothing stand apart from this world? Are we again questioning absolute truth? Unfortunately, in the conversations I’ve had with friends (as I’ve wrestled with this I have to talk it out too) they make some great points. No, nothing is pure! And no, we don’t stand apart in this world. This very issue is reminding my heterosexual friends that who are we to tout marriage as oh-s0-great? When you look at the divorce rate both in and outside the church, there isn’t any difference there. And clearly the media is quick to remind us of all the scandals that constantly wreck havoc within the church. Maybe we should be silent? Maybe we don’t “deserve” the chance to speak about such things when we are no different from the world around us?

And yet, Jesus calls to us that He came to heal us. His Word says that He came for the sick and wounded and sinful people that we are. My sin is no different from any other sin that anyone else commits. Sin is sin and it reveals within us all a need. A need for healing and redemption and forgiveness and restoration. These are only found in Jesus. So do I have a right to speak out? Am I any better? No. I don’t have a right to speak. No. I am no better. The only difference is the one that Jesus makes! Both in me and everyone else in this world.

This article I previously posted from the Gospel Coalition said that many Christians feel that supporting this same-sex marriage initiative (and those like it) is a compromise. It’s a way to “love your neighbor as yourself” and to extend mercy with the hopes that Jesus will…what? Change his mind?

The Gospel Coalition article points out: “In endorsing laws based solely on the secular liberal-libertarian conception of freedom (at least those that produce no obvious self-harm), they are doing the very opposite of what Jesus called them to do: (i.e. love your neighbor as you love yourself) They are hating their neighbors, including their gay and lesbian neighbors. You do not love your neighbor by encouraging them to engage in actions that invoke God’s wrath (Psalm 5:4-5; Romans 1:18). As Christians we may be required to tolerate ungodly behavior, but the moment we begin to endorse the same then we too have become suppressors of the truth. You cannot love your neighbor and want to see them excluded from the kingdom of Christ (Eph. 5:5).”

“Suppressors of the truth”. Those words haunt me.

If I sit in silence as a response to this issue, I’m suppressing the truth.

If I support these initiatives in an effort to be “tolerant”, I’m suppressing the truth.

And if I’m a jerk going around on social media and on my blog or, even in person, telling people they are condemned for their choices, then I am still suppressing the truth.

I am deeply saddened to think on the words a gay friend of mine wrote on Facebook yesterday. He said that basically, all he has to do is wait for the conservatives to die off and eventually stop speaking out. And you know what? At this point, he may be right. If we as Christians do not stand up on this issue and discuss it with other believers, than what is left but sorrow for God’s Church?

I can’t help but think of Israel and how they lusted and longed to be like all the other nations around them. They just HAD to have a King. It was the beginning of their destruction. This is a slippery slope that the Church is on if we start down this road. And honestly we are already down that road.

I ask you reader, where is the line drawn? Are the waters truly so muddy?

And what about the other issues this brings up? Take this same issue from a legal perspective and answer me this; if this is legalized, how much longer before incest, polygamy, bestiality and child-pornography are deemed socially acceptable to us? How long before they are legal?

I’ve written this post over the course of several days as I’ve wrestled with my feelings over the matter. I’ve landed on knowing a few things:

-I believe that God is in control. This too is not out of His view or reach. While I am deeply bothered by it, I am confidant, not that “it’ll all work out” but that Jesus is King and I can rest in knowing He knows way more than I. I have a place with Him and that does bring me great comfort and encouragement.

-I believe that Christians MUST speak up about this. I believe it should be in a loving way. Westborough Baptist -style is evil and that is not at all what Christ’s followers are called to do or be or sound like. But it begins with honest conversations. It begins by saying yes, yes it does matter and not allowing indifference to cover our hearts or harden them.

I am grateful that the depths, heights and widths of my emotions are forgiven and granted grace by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. While I feel like my emotions are larger than life some days, I know that I am never too much for Him. His word is still active, moving, living and breathing and applicable to my life daily. Even in the intensity of my passions for Him and for His Word, I rest in the knowledge that we are all sinful. I’m in that too. We all choose to do the wrong things (even when we intend otherwise) and we are hopelessly lost in this world and this life without the light of Jesus. He saved me. He lifted me out of the pit of despair and rescued me from a life of darkness and shame and guilt. By the blood and wounds of his body I am reconciled. I have been raised to new life and I rest on the promises of what is to come.

My faith is just that, it is mine. I will not make it “relevant” or “progressive” or “palatable”. I will not be caught up in these idols that require me to be more concerned with what an unbeliever thinks about me than what God thinks of me. I know society is now saying that as Christians we are the “haters” the ones who are evil. But the truth will shine through if we truly walk with Jesus.  Each of us stands before God accountable and all by ourselves. It’s just you and Jesus people. Will you say as my four year old says to me, “But so-and-so was doing it!”?

I am called to love all people with all the passion my sinful heart can offer because it is God’s love that should be flowing out of me. Even while I disagree with others. I believe I can disagree with someone and still love them.

To disagree is not synonymous with to hate.  If we don’t continue to say that, than the opposite will come to be true very quickly.

If you are interested in reading another perspective on Why the Arguments for Gay Marriage are so persuasive, I recommend you check out this article. This is a blog post that my friend Kelli linked to that is also an excellent read on ways Christians can respond to this and many other issues.

P.S. I believe that we need to speak up about many other things as Christians. This issue is a hot reminder of speaking up for good. We are called to speak out against evil, against sin and against what is wrong. In this life, you are either sitting silently watching evil occur (and therefore supporting it) or you are fighting evil. Not with weapons of this world, but with love, truth and light. It isn’t about violence and blood shed, fear or shame. Those things belong with the evil of this world. It is about what real love looks like.

Anniversary Date Night!

Friday night, Jeremy and I celebrated our date night at Brasserie in the Central West End. It was so much fun! His boss surprised us with a fancy bottle of champagne too. (It was delish!) This whole endeavor made Jeremy and I realize that we are horrid students of our city! There is a very long list of restaurants we have never been to; a problem we intend to rectify as soon as possible. When I asked for recommendations for excellent restaurants on Facebook, I had almost 20 sent to me! I think I had heard of 3.  My friend Michelle sent me this link of the 40 Best Restaurants in St. Louis and it was immensely helpful.

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We enjoyed our dinner immensely; boeuf bourguignon for Jeremy and baked chicken with wild mushrooms for me. His was better, but mine was pretty awesome! We had a delicious cheese plate (full of cheeses we could neither pronounce or ever heard of) to start with. It came with roasted grapes (um, yum!) and some raisin chutney. For dessert, creme brulee and chocolate mousse! And coffee of course. The creme brulee was just ok in my estimation. I’ve had MUCH better. It tasted overcooked to me. (What a snob I am!)

Afterwords, we were trying to decide what to do. We considered a movie but felt that was too cliche. So we opted for the Chinese Lantern Festival at the Missouri Botanical Gardens. Win! It was quite funny actually, we realized as we were walking around that we had our wedding photos taken at the Gardens on our wedding day! HA! So there we were, in the same spot we had been 10 years prior. I took a picture of the spot we stood, but didn’t think to have someone else take a picture of us in that spot. (I did mention the champagne, right?) The Festival displays were beautiful and the evening was so nice weather-wise too. A refreshing break from the triple digit temps we have had lately.

This was also the first night I left Cecelia! AH! Thankfully, she is a compliant little angel and she was all too happy to take a bottle. We tried a bottle for the first time on July 14. I’m noting that mostly for myself. She’s the best baby!

Happy Anniversary to us! I love you babe!

Celebrating Summer Lovin’

This Friday, Jeremy and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage! I know a lot of my friends’ blogs have discussed love frequently of late, but hey, I can’t not mention 10 years! In fact, I’ll just mention my friend Nicole’s blog post about dating her husband this year and my friend Kelli’s blog post about her 12 year anniversary (and her celebration of subsequent anniversaries) and tell you that they make some excellent points about love and marriage.

I can’t help but think of the vacation we had planned to go on with our best friends, the Metcalfe’s to celebrate these 10 years. We wanted it to be BIG! I could have been cruising the Carribean this summer with my love…but we have Cecelia instead. Despite my sadness at just a date night instead of vacation, I am extremely grateful for our daughter. God knew we needed her even when we didn’t. She is such a blessing. She’s worth the loss of my cruise and much more. I know there will be time for cruising later.

On Sunday this past weekend, Jeremy and I were invited to a discussion panel of military families for the topic of Reintegration after deployment. We were the husband/wife, soldier/spouse with kiddos perspective on things. Many times people asked us a question about how we handled certain issues that popped up and our answer was based off an explanation of how we do things in our marriage.  Explaining the way we work as a couple was actually really encouraging to us and reminded me so much how blessed we have been to receive such excellent counseling and examples in our lives of what a good marriage looks like and how it works. (I know it’s nerdy, but at the bottom of this post are some of my favorite books on marriage.)

After the meeting, a lady came up to me and asked me a weird question. She asked, “What percentage do each of you give in your marriage? How do you split things up?” I said to her, “100-100. Because it takes both of us giving 100% to be successful in our marriage. We both are all in.” She was taken aback by my comment. The look on her face told me she had never heard that perspective before. (That or she just thought that I suck at math…which, I do.) Another lady at the meeting told me that she and her husband just celebrated 41 years of marriage in June. I rejoiced with her. Because you know what? It IS something to celebrate. Especially today in this world where it seems like everyone is struggling so hard in their marriages.

I’m not saying that Jeremy and I are perfect or that we have it all together. But I am saying we are blessed to have the tools to struggle well together. Ultimately, that is a gigantic chunk of marriage. It will always be a struggle because we are both imperfect beings attempting to live in the same home and striving towards things in our life equipped with different strengths and weaknesses and bents. We aren’t always going to get it right, but if we can at least struggle well together and fight for our marriage and our relationship, then we win!

One of my most favorite pictures of me and Jeremy, freshly back from Hawaii. Ahhhh…vacation looks good on us.

Our big anniversary has made me pensive. It has made me think about the legacy we are building in our home and the example we are setting to our boys (and eventually to Cecelia too). I have a joke that I tease Jeremy about often. I tell him that I do certain things and teach our boys those same things “for their wives someday”. I know it sounds funny, but I truly do think about those women and soon I’ll think about the man who will be in my daughter’s life.  I want my kids to choose a spouse with wisdom, but even more so I want them to be a good spouse. I know that starts with Jeremy and I and what we show our boys and Cecelia right now.

I also know that when our little birdies do finally fly away, I want to be in a place to bless them and send them off with great joy. I want to be able to eagerly turn to Jeremy and relish our new relationship afresh. I want to rejoice in our marriage then as I do now.

So, we celebrate. This is a season of our life where the day-to-day is a crazy mixed up bag of tricks. We laugh so much and we move so fast. I’ve been advised to drink deeply of these moments and cherish them close to my heart. I love to watch my husband as a Dad, as a man working so hard for his family. We have a lot of fun around here and that’s important. Not just for us to have fun altogether, but for Jeremy and I to even have fun alone. We have newly been talking about going to six flags for a “day-time date” and getting a sitter or even just doing a St. Louis themed day date around town one Saturday without the kiddos. We want to make memories of just us together too. And we all need a new and fresh supply of inside jokes to have together.

Here’s to the next 10 years Jeremy Nevil! May Jesus continue to bind our hearts together more and more as we grow each day. I love you!

My Favorite Books on Marriage:

Love and War by Jon and Stasi Eldredge
Intimate Allies by Dan Allender
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggrichs