Well, actually, technically, he is probably sitting on an airplane at Boeing Field right now. I hope he’s comfortable. I’m sure he’s tired. If you get on line, I miss you Jer. You’re not even gone officially, and I miss you.

Today was a whirlwind of a day. I think both Jeremy and I had it in our heads that it would go a certain way, that we would feel a certain thing or respond with gushing tears. But, it didn’t really go that way. For me, yesterday was much harder than today.

All the wives got together tonight for pizza and to let the kiddos play. We all said the same thing; that it doesn’t seem real. It seems like they are going out on a field problem and they’ll be home in two weeks. No biggie. Been there, done that. It just hasn’t sunk in to our hearts yet. I don’t imagine it will for a while now.

I have spoken to Jeremy twice-VERY briefly since we left. I am holding out hope for one more call.

This past weekend we were so very busy scrambling to do fun things and start in on all the “lasts” we would have; last date, last phone call, last day with our church community, etc.  Monday came and I could hardly believe it was here. We had SO many things to finish-or at least I felt like we had so much unfinished. I hate that feeling of being rushed, unsettled, disorganized. Monday night I was trying to be all cool and I just attempted to cram way too much into the evening. Then, we let Cooper stay up extra late just so we could all be together a little longer. It was 10 pm by the time we put that little man down. Then we tried to finish up what was left for us (Chase went down at the same time as Cooper for once) and shut down the house. When we got up stairs we just looked at each other.

We have been talking about this day and the night before for years now. Years. It is so surreal that something we discussed for so long was actually happening-and it wasn’t fun. Jeremy was hard-pressed to get a smile out of me all day and that was hard for him. It was hard for me too-I just had a tough time being happy. We talked for a long time last night and finally went to sleep exhausted.

When my alarm went off this morning, it scared me half to death. Then I realized that the rush was on, that we had to take Daddy to work today and he wouldn’t be coming home with us later.  Before the busyness of the morning overtook us, we all cuddled in our bed together. It was fun to hear Cooper laughing and giggling, to watch Jeremy tickle him and wrestle with him. Chase just laughed and watched while drool dribbled down his chubby little chin. It was a special moment. Probably the best moment of the day.

Then the morning was just a haze of “hurry up”. We scooted out of the house around 10:30 am and went to Company. The car ride there was uncomfortably quiet. What else could we say? We had already said it all. So I got the video camera out and filmed the awkward silence and made some smartalec comments. It was fun and made us both laugh.

When we pulled up there were a lot of families there. Unfortunately, I was deeply distracted by Chase, who needed to eat. I had planned to feed him in the car when we got there, but I wasn’t sure what was going on or how long we would have to spend with our soldiers before they had to go. So I went with Jeremy up to Company. It was so busy. Everyone was running around trying to do stuff and finish things-put bags here and there, shove stuff into someone elses bag because they were out of room in their bag. WHEW! I finally did feed Chase. Cooper played soccer with his friends and Jeremy and I just stood around hugging each other and talking with our friends.

The worst part came when it was time to go though. Jeremy told us they were about to line up and we needed to get ready to say goodbye. I called Cooper over and he was upset that I interrupted his soccer playing. I told him it was time to say good bye to Daddy and -to both mine and Jeremy’s surprise-the child freaked out! He started crying hysterically and saying he didn’t want his Daddy to go over and over again. In fact, at one point he screamed out “I don’t WANT my Daddy to go to Afghanistan!” It was really cute and really awful all at once. Chase was crying, I was crying, Cooper was crying, Jeremy was crying. I think Cooper’s reaction just really threw Jeremy and I for a loop. The goodbye was quick and painful though.  I gathered up the kiddos and drove very slowly by the place the guys were lining up. I saw Jeremy’s hand shoot up with an “I love you” sign and I responded with 3 honks to say it back.

The kids and I then cried pretty much the whole way home. I must say though, I felt a huge sense of relief when it was over with. Not a happy relief, but like the kind you feel when you have anticipated something really terrible for so long. I hate it, but I’m glad it is over and done with.

Today is day 365.

Jeremy, if you are reading this, I love you so much. I forget that I get scared at night with all the sounds the house makes! It was hard when I came home tonight and walked passed our room. I saw your stuff on your side of the bed and it made me sad. I hope you get on the flight and aren’t having to deal with dumb stuff and I hope you get some sleep. I’m praying for you and your heart. Oh! I read Cooper the book we made you for Father’s Day and it really helped him. So far we’ve read that book twice and the Deployment book I was telling you about four times. And, he asked for his Daddy pillow tonight and cuddled it. He’s going to be ok-and so am I. Can’t wait to write you and hear about your adventures. Love you best friend! T


5 thoughts on “He’s Gone (. ? !)

  1. I imagine Travis in Cooper’s position, and that really gets me. He would be devastated. I’m seriously crying buckets right now.

    But you are a truly great mom, and I know you’ll guide him through this time. I’ll be praying for you all!

  2. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and prayers. I can’t stop crying! I wish I could be there for you now! I know you’re surrounded by great friends and they will be a comfort. I love you lady! I will be praying for you and Jeremy..

  3. Tiff, you are an amazing woman! I trust God will allow me to carry some of your burden these next 365, it will be an honor to journey with you…love and prayers

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