It’s 3:35 am. I’ve been lying in bed awake since around 2. We went to bed at 11. My body is tired, but I just can’t sleep. It’s kind of ironic that during the day, I keep trying to figure out why this isn’t hitting me a lot harder. I keep expecting to just start crying in the middle of something mundane. But no…I guess the middle of the night is where it has decided to grab me.
It’s only a couple of days away and I just hate it. I have been thinking about what it is that makes me the most sad. I think it is knowing I can’t be there to comfort Jeremy or to bring him comfort. I have no idea what he is walking into but I know he does. I know at least it isn’t going to be comfortable for him. He’ll be sleeping in uncomfortable places, eating so-so food, and getting shot at? Really? I can’t believe in some ways, that I am sending him out into this. I know those are hard words to read and I’m sorry. It is just so in my face in this moment.
I think that as a wife, we take joy in comforting and helping our family. It is love that drives us to make soup for our sick husbands and kids, to stay up with them through the night as they struggle, to make them their favorite treat when they have had a rough day or give a hug and a smile. I hate that I can’t reach out to him when he is gone in the ways I’d like to. I can’t take care of him; I have no control. I remember vividly feeling this way when he was gone at basic training. But I also remember telling God that He had to do it for me. He had to be Jeremy’s comfort and encouragement. It sounds silly now as I write it. Of course God would do a better job than I would! I guess the fulfillment and satisfaction of encouraging the one you love is hard to be without though.
I keep telling him all the things I will miss about him and the things that will make me think of him. I tell him that I am dreading the last time I do some of his laundry this next week and the last time I put it away. (Which means I’ll probably clean his closet.) I will think of him when I’m at the store and I see all the things that he likes, I will think of his favorite dinners I make, his favorite cereal when it is on sale. I’m sure I’ll see some Honey Bunches of Oats or Honey Comb and just out of habit think, “oh, I should get that for Jer”. It’s all that kind of stuff.
I told him that I will ultimately miss the security and the confidence, the feelings of protection I have just by his presence. He laughed and told me that I should know something big is going to happen to the car while he’s gone, I’ll probably have to buy a new washer and dryer, and so on and so forth. We laughed. I wish nothing “bad” would happen while he is gone, but I know that life won’t just stop. How could it? And poor Julie Ross is my reminder that life does just keep on happening and yes, yucky things will happen to you, but you can get through it. Right, Julie?
I’ve been trying to think of some fun goals to have while he’s gone. Something to strive for might help me focus. Jeremy even said to me the other night that we should write a book together after this is all said and done. I told him he’d have to write some really great letters for that. But it’s a seriously fun thought. Maybe God will give it some wings and we can go for it.
If I do write a book…I guess this blog post would have to be in there documenting my little freak out session here for all the world to see. Maybe we could call the book, “From the frontlines to the Homefront: An Army Family’s Deployment Story”. Sound good? Would you pay $19.99 for that?
In all seriousness, I’m being reminded by the Holy Spirit right now that while bad things do happen to His children, He alone has the ability to take our fallenness and the fallenness of the things around them and create good from it. I would be wise to remember that when it is snowing outside and the car won’t start. 🙂
*Deep sigh* Ok guys, I feel a little better now. I think I just needed to get that out so I could cry and think and write and just gush. This is Quiet Gardens, Raging Seas you know.
P.S. When this is all over I absolutely plan to post about really shallow things like my shoes. 🙂