I was just reading my good friend Jamie’s blog and it spurred in me a thought I’ve often had regarding mom-hood; mainly that it can be rough at times! I’ve thought about this a lot…mostly when I’m in the shower gathering my sanity in the mornings. But I don’t think I have written about it very much here.
I wasn’t the kind of girl who dreamed of being a mommy when I was a kid. I know a lot of moms who tell me that it is all they ever wanted to do when they grew up, but I don’t recall having my heart ever set on one particular thing like that. Being a mommy wasn’t on my radar.
Once I got married I knew I wanted children…but I could never have guessed how children would change my heart and my life so profoundly. When I found out I was pregnant with Cooper (which was 1/2 a surprise and 1/2 not) I FREAKED out. Then, when I had Cooper, I was weird. To be honest, I think I got a little lost within myself. Maybe it was a touch of post-partem depression or a strong dose of hormones plus reality. Regardless, for me, becoming a mom was so huge. I mean you go from an individual who acts for herself alone to a person who exists almost exclusively for others. It’s like you are not your own anymore. (Talk about a lesson in humility!)
Those first couple of months as a new mom were really tough for me to navigate. I have many friends who can attest to my extreme weirdness as I adjusted; but I truely believe Jesus pulled me out of that and reminded me of who I was and am. I’m so thankful I had my Spiritual Direction group to help me journey through that time!
After that, I really felt like I not only recovered from my weirdness, but I truely relished the extreme love I had for this new little person in my life (who sucked the life out of me!). I was overwhelmed and even all-consumed with love for Cooper, and I fell madly in love with being a mom. So much so that I felt deep guilt at leaving him to go to work every day. For me, that was the biggest change. I NEVER thought I would want to stay home with my children. I always assumed I would just work after I had kids…that’s why I went to college! But now that I have tasted staying home…I’m scared to have it any other way. I love getting the opportunity to be with the boys in this capacity even if it takes a lot of energy and presence to do and do it well. (And my hat is off to you important ladies in my life who work full time jobs and are mommies. I did it so I know it is possible, but wow! That is strength!)
Chase’s birth has only further confirmed in my heart how much I love my kids and how much I enjoy being a mom. I tell Jeremy on a regular basis that Chase has made me so excited to have more kids! Yet….when I read blog posts like my friend Jamie wrote about those rough days we have as moms, I’m reminded how draining it can be.
Some days I feel like I can’t have an adult conversation with another human being because Cooper is so busy interrupting me and bouncing all over the place or getting into some sort of mischief. Some days I long for the days when he is older and less “all up in my business”. I long to go somewhere chic, get a cup of coffee at a little cafe ALL. BY. MYSELF. and sit IN SILENCE.
Peace and quiet, calmness and stillness can be so elusive to us at this stage in our life, but they are so healing and necessary to this mommy’s soul! I know you mommies out there know what I mean. It’s a tough dichotomy ($5 dollar word!); you love your children with a deep intensity and yet they really know how to bring you to your knees some days!
So what’s the point here? I dunno. Just to say, girls, fellow moms, I hear you, I feel you, and I’m so glad I’m not in this alone! I know this time will pass quickly and I will long for the days of squishy, drooly, babies and the morning cuddly-tickle fights, and maybe just maybe, I will miss the 473 questions Cooper asks me EACH. DAY. In the mean time, I am richly blessed for the times when I can sneak away and enjoy the silence and especially for my friends who struggle and rejoice right along side me. I love my kids and for all the life they suck out of me,…they offer it back to me tenfold! I know I’m a better person because of them and all they’ve taught me and continue to teach me.