Seasons

I took this picture yesterday when my soul friend was over for a coffee date and I marveled a bit at it today. To an outsider, it just looks like two friends on the couch together talking. But it represents so much more than that about my life and the season I’m in right now. I’m holding this photo as a little moment of remembrance of all the places I have traveled as a woman.

Right now, this picture is meaningful because I don’t have people over during the day for coffee dates very often. I am a small business owner and I have two small, part-time jobs that I work as I build my little corner of the world. I have a generous amount of flexibility but also a list of to-do’s that order my days.

There was a time when I worked a full-time job and had a nanny (which cost me basically 3/4 of my salary-let all the working mommas say ‘amen’). I would listen to my SAHM (stay-at-home momma) friends tell me about their days and I longed for their experience even as I felt the tension of that longing because I also loved my job. It was a dream job I was so grateful for and the confusion of that time is still easy to access as I think about that season.

There did come a time in my life when I and my friends (and their children) filled my home and we filled theirs. I remember the sweet chaos of those times as we lived life as mothers together. I can touch the gratefulness in my heart that I got to experience both sides of life as a mom; full-time working Mom and full-time stay-at-home Mom.

As my kids and I grew up together, I slowly added part-time work and volunteerism into my days. For a season, during the day, I can remember when my home was my own space. Quieted with kids at school for a few precious hours, time felt expansive to me. Time is not expansive now. What a rich gift it was to slowly re-enter a workforce while still being flexible enough to manage my family life and their needs too.

Life looks so different today! Jeremy works from home full-time and has done so for almost 5 years now. That’s just weird. It took tremendous adjustment for us to learn how to organize the days together in the same space with such different needs; we still don’t have it all figured out. Time is not expansive but filled up with work and drive time taking kids to all the places, managing who will be home and who can pick which kid up where.

Today, as I considered posting my sweet pic of my friend and I snagging precious time together for connection yesterday on IG (#latergram), all these memories of the places and spaces I’ve been in rose up in me. It feels more like a cherished moment in time to remember where I am, where I have been, where I used to long to be, and even what I hope for as I go forward.

I’m so grateful that I have had the opportunity to experience the many facets of motherhood and work so that I can share that with my kids one day from a space of having lived it. I have been poor and wealthy, I have been afraid and courageous, I have been proud and poured out. I am grateful for each lived moment in both pain and comfort.

I don’t think one way is more right or wrong than another when it comes to the challenging decisions of being a parent and working in some way. Each season had its own pros and cons for me. So if you are navigating those pathways as a young parent, blessings to you as you choose! If you have already navigated those spaces and have time to give, comfort and encourage someone else as they make hard choices. If you are still waiting and longing and hoping to get to make those kinds of decisions one day, may you find gratefulness for where you are now in the longing that you feel, and may it point you to what is good.

Bossy

When our second-born son “graduated” from preschool, the teachers offered an optional parent/teacher meeting to glean their observations about your child’s learning readiness etc. I was pretty curious what his teacher would say, so I signed up with a lot of questions in mind. Two years later, I STILL crack.up.laughing. when I think of what she told me.

He received overall high marks and certainly showed Kindergarten readiness. But her most critical thing that she had to offer me (I asked for it) was that he was “sort of bossy”. I had to bite my lip when she told me this because of all I know about my amazing middle child. She went on to explain how he micromanages the play going on in the room, how he acts as “rules police” to the other students and is quick to point out whenever someone is incorrect (i.e. that girl is saying the ball is blue but that ball is CLEARLY green).

She was so right about him doing those things- and it hasn’t really changed. I’ve read “The Birth Order Book” in hopes to better understand him and to figure out why he acts like he does. I think that the truth is more that he is a child in a home FULL of first-borns (his mother, father and brother all) and until recently, he was the one getting left out of things because he was too young/little to participate.

Those tables are beginning to turn with the addition of his sister (competition) and with some work on instilling more of a “worry-about-yourself” and “take responsibility for your own stuff” ideology for him. I see so much of myself in him and that’s hard! It reminds me how clearly I remember my little sister harping on me that I was SO. BOSSY. when we were growing up. She still laughs and teases me about it.

I’ve embraced my bossiness in a whimsical way and I hope I can teach him to open up that tight fist of control. The hardest lessons I learned were that #1. I can only control my own response and #2. good teachers replicate themselves.

However the challenge for me now is how do my husband and I as parents take this leadership capability and help our son develop those skills so that he can grow from bossy to great leader?

From where we sit right now, I think all the glory will have to go to God. Parenting is one doozie of a journey!

Reunited and It Feels So Good

This weekend our friends from “way back when” were in town. These are always my favorite kind of visits. Somebody from the old crew puts out an apb on the Facebook saying “We’re coming into town and we want to see you guys!”. We gather ourselves and our prodigy and hang out for a few precious hours filled with laughter and chaos, (remember the prodigy) and then it’s all over until next time. Summer seems to be a great time for these reunions too because this is the second of three that will be occurring before school starts.

These particular friends go back to those early years when we were all friends, we weren’t necessarily even dating yet. But in our arsenal of memories we have mission trips to Haiti and Mexico, high school hijinks, laser tag games in a huge church after hours, weddings, baby showers and lots of moves.

Last night with the Wagners, we all tried to figure out timelines by chopping up years in accordance with the event they occurred as we tried to figure out when this happened and where. We figured out that they actually became parents after we’d already moved out to Washington and they had moved to Houston. So we’d never actually KNOWN them as parents.

That makes a big difference.

See there is this hilarious phenomenon that occurs when you have your group of friends who’ve hung out since singleness and through the dating/marriage years. All the sudden these babies come on the scene and the people you knew change. (And you thought you knew them….) For a while there can be awkwardness as you adjust to the way they’ve chosen to parent their kiddos. In the worst case scenarios, you even come to the conclusion that maybe the distance should grow between some of those friendships because YIKES! (Oh stop! Don’t even say that’s mean or not how it should be; because it’s totally true!)

It’s one of those times now that’s really fun for me to watch as new parents navigate their style of parenting and then adjust, adjust and adjust. While it may sound like this horrible truth, I think it’s an excellent personal growth experience (as are most lessons related to children and parenting). It pushes you toward intentional parenting and I don’t think that’s ever a bad thing.

As we embraced our friends and left last night I told them, “I wish we had become parents together and were still doing life around you guys, because I like the way you guys do things!”. It was so fun and refreshing to see our friends as parents. It even highlighted how much we all enjoyed each other in years past.

Until next time Wagners! We had so much fun with you guys!

Parenting Sweet Spot

My parent friends who have gone before me sing a chorus to me these days. It sounds like this: “Don’t wish these days away!” “Treasure these moments!” “Enjoy your time with your children while they are young!”

I’m very grateful for their song on days like yesterday, when my fresh two-year old had me absolutely stumped. She was throwing a mega-tantrum and I just looked at her completely lost. Is she sick? Maybe that cold turned into an ear infection and it’s making her into this screaming banshee that is before me. Maybe it’s teeth. Can I see in there? Do I ignore this? Do I discipline her or hug her and try to explain things to her? 

My challenge these days

My BFF will laugh at me. I know this even as I type these words. She has walked with me through these particular parenting years twice before. For some reason, my kids hit 18 months and they begin to elude me. I can at least recognize the pattern at this point thanks to her. Side note: It is not fair that it takes three plus children to figure things out. If you stop having kids you don’t get to practice your new-found awesomeness. If you keep having kids well…you’ll be tired. (And AWESOME!)

So as I sat gazing at my banshee two-year old daughter,  I remembered what my BFF has said to me (with great love) in the past. And I got up and walked away. Don’t worry – I came back. And we talked, she and I. This little person whom I underestimate. That walking away reminded me that I underestimate the intelligence and comprehension of my children because of their off-the-charts emotions. When it comes right down to it, the lack of emotional self control in my kids is what throws me. I see them freaking out emotionally and I want to console and help. That’s when I’m thankful for their Daddy-who while being emotional is more capable of speaking into and teaching self-control.

I’m really grateful for the people in my life who help me to be a better parent.

I’m also really grateful for Facebook…whining in a public forum is fun. 😉

Wait…who has emotional self-control issues?

As I pondered and reflected on my day in the quiet moments after I put the munchkins to bed last night, I considered my almost nine-year old son. Sigh. He’s dreamy. I adore him. Sometimes I want to drink him in. He’s beautiful inside and out. So handsome and so kind and loving. He is at that age where his personality, his spirit just flow out of him. I especially love getting reports of dreaminess (a.k.a. chivalry and kindness) from other people who see it when I am not around. He is the one who encourages me to keep going. He is the one who I think on and remember what HE was like as a two-year old.

My big kid and encourager

He was a very verbal child. I have a list of all the words he spoke at 18 months and it shocks most people. He excelled at verbal communication (and still does) at a very early age and being the first born, I didn’t realize the significance. But he was also the one who would hug the other babies/toddlers in the nursery, then body slam them and bite them in an attempt to kiss them. I was mortified when the church nursery had to repeatedly inform me he was biting and tackling kids.

When he was two, my BFF and I would attempt to go to MOPS. Our boys would scream their heads off as we left. And they would keep screaming. Finally at about half-way through the morning, the sweet ladies tending to them couldn’t take it anymore and they would call for us to come and fetch our clingy two-year olds. Every time MOPS would meet I would tell my friend how I just didn’t want to keep putting him in there because of his screams. I didn’t understand why he was screaming. Was he hurt? Was he afraid?

Um, no, my friend would tell me. He’s just a child who wants his way.

Oh.

So I kept putting him in there. And you know what? Eventually it was bliss.

But it was so painful to stay the course.

These memories remind me that parenting is just hard! For some of my mommy friends, this age is their sweet spot. My friend is amazing at this age. She is the most solid rock I’ve ever known. You just don’t mess with that Mommy if you are a toddler. She sees right down to your soul and instinctively knows what you need and when you need it.

I am not sure if the parenting sweet spot is more what you feel is easy for you, where you excel strategically or some semblance of both. I’m pretty sure two year olds are not in my sweet spot though. Maybe one day I’ll figure out what it is. And then I’ll cry a song to my friends who are in my place, “cherish the moments when your kids are young!”.